When I started this blog in January, it was to help me get used to people reading my writing. I always loved the phrase “a mug up” (more info about the phrase on the blog’s homepage…) to describe a time to connect with friends, co-workers, strangers and I thought a blog would be a good electronic way to mug up and also practice letting people read what I wanted to write. I shyly told a few people and pretended that someday I’d have something interesting enough to write that the # of readers would magically increase. And then cancer happened.

Writing about my cancer journey here was initially just an easier way to share information without having to keep telling the “cancer story” over and over in person. I adopted the first blog on cancer from my Facebook post and then decided it was better to just use the blog format to share my thoughts. Surely, cancer is taking much away from me, but apparently cancer gave me something interesting to write about and people are reading and asking when my next post will go up. I’m getting used to people reading my writing. So tonight, as I get ready for tomorrow’s double mastectomy and all that follows, I’m feeling grateful for the blessings, yes the blessings that cancer has already given me.

Cancer has given me…

…a man who doesn’t care that my physical body is changing. Tom just wants me alive. The ways he has shown me real love would astound you. Not me. His love is constant and cancer didn’t take that away. It just multiplied.

…a kick ass short hair cut (nephew approved) to feel powerful before I lose it to chemo.  Deb was able to save 11″ for me to donate and she so lovingly helped me feel ok about the next steps.

…sisters and brothers by blood and by choice who have showered me with love, laughter (goose shit!) prayers, mug ups and lunches, gifts, scripture, hugs, permission to cry and swear…and a few (ok maybe more than a few) glasses of prosecco.

…time to enjoy more sunsets and NOT from my car window on my way home from work but sitting quietly at the ocean, on the lake, in my yard, out at the pier…having time to stop and enjoy God’s evening art show is always a gift, but right now, it is a balm for my soul.

…caring doctors, nurses, counselors and pastors who go above and beyond and even share their cell phone and home emails.

…a support group of other survivors who answer my questions, check in on me, give me good tips and always know exactly what to say.

…a recently diagnosed friend to go through this together with – we are not alone in this journey and can uniquely understand each other’s challenges of trying to work through breast cancer treatment, which will surely include humor, shopping for wigs and hats and eating chocolate whenever we feel like it!

…hearing from far away friends and family at always JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT!

…space to be alone when I needed to be quiet and not busy with everyday life. I’ve had more than a few days of not leaving my home and tightening my circle. People have stood by me with this desire and respected my need for less, not more.

…having the initial surgery date delayed by two weeks while I recovered from bronchitis. This allowed me to really rest my body and mind in preparation for tomorrow. I am at peace.

And yet with these positive things that cancer has given me, it has also given me dark times full of fear, sadness and yes, even anger. Being a naturally positive person, this “gift” from cancer took some “learning”, but from it, there is a deep satisfied feeling of authenticity… and maybe a few more interesting things to write about on the other side of the surgery.

So, surgery tomorrow. My sister or Tom or Lisa will keep people updated as able.  I probably will be offline for a bit. Chemo starts in about 4 weeks. I wonder what cancer will be bringing in the days ahead. I’m embracing it with as much “kick ass” attitude I can and with a little dose of Joshua 1:9 and appreciation that you have to be careful what you wish for.  I wanted to write and have people read my blog.  Cancer gave me that, and that is ok.  It is well with my soul.

~Mug Up Mermaid